Zen Listening and Communication 101

  Zen: Finding enlightenment through intuition and introspection.

Listening: Making an effort to attentively hear what another person is saying.

Therefore Zen Listening might be best described as an enlightened art of using one's intuition and introspection to be fully present with another person during a conversation for the purpose of thoroughly hearing and understanding the other person's communication. Why is this so important? Because when you thoroughly listen, you create a very powerful communication dynamic that deepens your relationships and creates powerful boundaries at the same time. A Zen Listener has the ability to eliminate the potential of unnecessary conflict and to create a more powerful presence. I invite you to become a more powerful communicator through Zen Listening.

Zen Listening includes, but is not limited to, the following dynamics:

* Letting go of your own agendas, opinions, judgments, and/or advice.
* Being present with the other person and disconnecting from your own thoughts.
* Inviting the other person to say more.
* Asking for clarification when you are unclear about what is being said.
* Offering understanding when you really get what the other person is conveying.
* Being an objective listener and observer since this is all about understanding (and not at all about agreeing). There is no right or wrong.
* Letting go of criticism.
* Listening with all your senses and your intuition to really get a thorough experience of the other person's communication.
* And when in doubt, asking the other person what it is that they would like from you. If they request input or advice, then feel free to offer such, but if not, then be prepared to offer your best Zen Listening.

Unfortunately none of us had an Interpersonal Communications 101 course in our schooling, very few of us have even had a good communications course, and many of us have had questionable communication and relationship role models. Therefore, it is your responsibility (if you want healthy, lasting, and fulfilling relationships), to learn how to be an effective communicator. The best communicator is the one who does the most powerful listening and the one who doesn't react emotionally.

Following are tools to help you become a more powerful listener. Consider this your Communications 101 curriculum.

1. Be a mirror. When a negative conversation is directed at you, in a calm voice simply restate what you hear the person saying to you (What I hearing you saying is ______________.) The more you repeat back what the person is saying to you, the more he or she will feel as though you are truly listening and hearing what it is that they are saying. This will help to diffuse the situation and at the same time you will better understand what it is that the other person is saying to you.

2. Take a Time-Out. Take an agreed upon time-out if things become too heated or if you need time to process your thoughts and feelings about the conversation you are having. Sometimes a time-out can be a constructive tool to avoid unnecessary aggression and induce better understanding. You have the right to take some time. Simply state that you need some time to think about and process what has been said, and then take it. Also, make sure you make an agreement as to when you will reconnect with each other again. Being quick to listen and slow to speak is a healthy and effective communication paradigm.

3. Yes, and what else? Perhaps the most powerful listening response you can say to another is, "Yes, and what else?" In doing so you are inviting the other person to step farther into their expression. The more they can share, and the less you interrupt or react defensively, the more connected the two of you will be in the conversation. For most people, listening is far more challenging than talking. If you do nothing else, be attentive to what the other person is saying and use these four magic words: Yes, and what else? By doing this it will keep you from thinking about your own needs and agenda, which will keep you focused on listening to the other person. When you focus on what the other person is saying, you will become a star listener. Also, whenever you start a response with "Yes..." you are acknowledging and inviting a more positive response back from the other person.

4. It's Not You, Really! When the other person is expressing a thought, feeling, need, issue, or judgment, it comes from their reality and is valid for them. It's not about you! Most arguments would never happen if you would simply accept the other person's point of view and agree to disagree. I have always said that there should have been at least one more commandment: Thou shalt not personalize. Constructive conversations are not about being right or wrong, but rather, about understanding.

5. Yes, It Is You! Your thoughts, feelings, needs, issues, and judgments are your reality and are valid for you. They have little to do with the other person; and some people (including the other person) may be unwilling to see things your way. A fulfilling conversation (and relationship) is about having, accepting, and negotiating differences. It is not about being right, seeking sameness or consensus. Speak your truth, share your opinion, and make your request if you have one. The other person cannot read your mind, and therefore, will never know unless you speak up.

6. Use I Statements. When you make I-statements you are taking full responsibility and you are being fully present in the conversation. A truly effective communicator must use I-statements. By making clear statements using I first, you will lower your chances of being misunderstood. When you take on the ownership of your feelings, opinions and needs you also diminish the chance of your becoming aggressive and the other person becoming defensive. In speaking from the "I" instead of the "you", you will be far less likely to provoke a defensive response from others.

7. Turn Complaints Into Requests. You bring many, many needs into interactions and relationships. When a need is not met, you will experience an issue. It is impossible for all needs to be met all the time in any relationship, so there will most likely be numerous issues to experience and express. If you make a request and stay focused on what you want to happen, instead of what is wrong or not happening, and negotiate toward a win-win outcome, you will effectively prevent or resolve conflict. This is staying focused on the solution instead of the problem. If you stay in the complaint, you will stay in the problem, and that will never fulfill your needs nor resolve the issue. Say what you are feeling and request what you want and need.

8. Check Double Messages. Sometimes a person says one thing but acts in an opposite behavior or wants something different than he or she expressed. Sometimes sarcastic messages mix humor with anger (or other emotions) and are difficult to decipher. Watch for inconsistent body language and other possible inconsistencies. Anytime you notice or feel that there might be some double message, stop and without any analyzing or accusations, ask for clarification.

9. Always Speak Your Truth. Part of the path to being your authentic self is being able to tell the full truth to the other people about your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, issues, and boundaries. Depending on the level and depth of the relationship, you can appropriately share yourself. The highest level of connection with another person is that of intimacy. One way of defining intimacy is to use the play-on-words in-to-me-see. This means that there is a transparency between you and another that requires full expression of what is inside both of you. Therefore, truly intimate relationships have an openness that transcends all other relationships. If you try to avoid conflict and try to maintain harmony by censoring yourself, you'll find that your suppressed truth will start to come out in other ways, such as anger, withdrawal, resentment, or other forms of acting out. When you speak your truth it may seem scary, but will result in the kind of relationship that you really want.

The following are some rather destructive communication tactics to close out this chapter. Obviously you will want to practice the constructive and do your best to stay away from all of these destructive behaviors.

Non-constructive communication behaviors:
Analyzing others' motivation.
Focusing on others' attributes rather than behaviors.
Making general rather than specific complaints.
Focusing on there and then rather than the here and now.
Directing comments toward unchangeable behavior.
Rejecting the other person's response.
Being passive or passive-aggressive.
Speaking with unclear, non-specific generalizations.
Talking at others rather than with others.
One-way communication instead of two-way.
Dealing with many issues at once rather than staying focused on one issue at a time.

The key is to practice constructive communication and stop yourself when you enter into any non-constructive communication behaviors.

About the author:
Ken Donaldson has been based in Tampa Bay offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. His REALationship Coaching programs empower people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships by building a powerful relationship with themselves first. Visit his website at http://www.REALationshipCoach.comfor more information and sign-up his free e-program Illuminations and Sparks of Brilliance. Ken is also the author of the upcoming book Marry YourSelf First!

Copyright © 2005, Ken Donaldson, M.A., L.M.H.C.

 Ken Donaldson, M.A., L.M.H.C.

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